What I really want … is that too much too ask? Apparently so ..,.
Editorial cartoon by Dave Granlund, davegranlund.com.
As Christmas is just a few days away, I thought I’d share with you my wishes for the days ahead. Pardon me if you’ve heard this before, but some things bear repeating.
What I want for all of us:
♦ A sense of proportion.
In nations like Egypt, where a Sunday bombing attack during morning Mass last week killed 25 people, Christians are most definitely persecuted. In some nations, the mere practice of Christianity can lead to imprisonment, exile or death.
But … but … but … they were mean to me!
Image found on rachelheldevans.com.
In the U.S., not so much. Every religion (or non-religion), as long as its practice does not infringe on the safety or lives of others, should have the same standing here, as not everyone in the U.S. is Christian (and not all Christians are church-going … I know … shocking!!!). Expecting that everything be filtered through the lens of Christianity is folly, considering the growing numbers of other religious faiths here, as well as the unaffiliated. Allowing others the same rights you’ve always had does not mean religious freedom is being curtailed, nor does it mean you’re being persecuted.
Don’t make me break out the “tyranny of the majority” speech. You should have paid attention in civics class instead of carving “Donnie for prez” into desks. Come to think of it, it would have been a good idea to heed your English teachers as well. Your writing is horrible. (It’s “biased,” not “bias” media … if you’re going to accuse us of that, get it right, please. Geez … every single time …)
A copy of the Constitution and a civics textbook are coming for your birthday.
Image found on QuotesGram.
♦ Common sense.
War on Christmas? Really? As a Christian, it disturbs me to see the over-the-top protestations when someone hears “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings.” When I was growing up, it was well-understood that those greetings encompassed all the winter holidays, including Christmas and New Year’s (as well as Chanukah, Saturnalia, Mawlid an-Nabi and many other non-Christian holidays). For decades before that, it was a typical greeting at this time of year. Now, though, “Happy Holidays” is apparently an insult of the highest degree that cannot stand (perhaps to be settled with a duel … maybe fruitcakes at 20 paces?).
And don’t forget to play Andy Williams’ “Happy Holidays” on a loop (after putting in ear plugs, of course).
Image found on someecards.
Besides the fact that Christians aren’t the only ones who celebrate Christmas (and not all Christians do; the Puritans certainly didn’t), we don’t walk around with signs denoting our religion or lack thereof, so “Happy Holidays” is typically the safest bet. I generally don’t say “Merry Christmas” unless the other person says it first or I already know they celebrate it. Besides, “holiday” means “holy day,” so it’s no slight to religion. You’re free to say “Merry Christmas” if you want to, but you have no right not to be offended if someone else doesn’t say it.
… From the bottom of my heart!
Image found on Bored Panda.
Whatever the greeting, just take it in the spirit intended, which most likely is nice and neighborly, not to tick you off … unless it’s a very annoyed me. I wouldn’t last long in retail because the first difficult customer who absolutely insisted on “Merry Christmas” would probably get back a snide, “Happy Chanukah, Bucko.” I think Washington Post commenter Turkmenbashi may be my spirit animal (or a long-lost cousin), judging from a comment on Petula Dvorak’s column Monday: “[C]ome to think of it, I would totally shop somewhere that had, ‘Up yours, Bucko!’ as a greeting.” You read my mind, Turk … I’d patronize that store just to watch the heads of the easily offended explode.
I feel like such an ice hole sometimes …
Image found on Pinterest.
Some people forget I like to poke bears. And some people make it way too easy. (And sharp readers of both the print and blog versions may notice a subtle difference in the preceding quote; I thought “up yours” might get me in a little trouble in the print version …)
♦ A sense of humor.
When you have people shouting hateful rhetoric and arguing about what constitutes a fact (there should be no arguing this; interpretation may differ, but facts are what they are), it’s hard sometimes to keep perspective. While we should be concerned about what’s going on in the world, if we make ourselves sick with worry, it does no one any good … well, except maybe your doctor. Finding something to laugh about, though, helps your health, and might just keep that guy sitting next to you at the doctor’s office from slugging you … unless you’re laughing at him.
That’d be a bad idea unless he laughs first.
Who the hell is Murray Christmas??
♦ Better holiday music.
Maybe I’m a bit of a music snob (I sang in choral groups in high school and college), but after having to hear, on my way home from work, Katy Perry butchering “White Christmas,” I’m putting my foot down. Katy, Lady Gaga, Biebs, et al., please just stop. Not everybody can or should make a Christmas album. I curse you to a lifetime of “singing” “Little Drummer Boy” in strip malls.
At least Bob Rivers’ Christmas albums are supposed to be bad (and darkly hilarious). You’re just bad.
♦ A cat to cuddle (OK, or a dog), chocolate and world peace.
I ask for this every year, and every year only get the first two. With the political divisiveness that’s been stoked by the election, the people who are offended by everything that doesn’t square with their version of reality, and the unrest worldwide, I think I’m pretty safe in assuming the third part of the wish will still be a no-go.
Why can’t life be like that Coke ad with perfect harmony, where being polite isn’t derided as being politically correct? I’ll be over here in the corner with the furry one and a chocolate orange, trying to figure that one out. I might need more chocolate.
Better luck with the chocolate, Mom; I’m in no mood to cuddle … until you start working.
I do have one more wish, and you can help. Right now I’m working on the next few days’ Voices pages, and would love to have some non-cranky letters for Sunday’s Christmas edition. Yes, I do (perversely) love cranky letters, but I try to keep the mood lighter on that day if at all possible.
Do you have a favorite Christmas/holiday memory or tradition? If you haven’t had a letter published in the past month, tell me about it in fewer than 250-300 words and get it to me no later than 8 a.m. Friday, and I’ll do my best to get it in. Send it by email to voices@arkansasonline.com, or head over to the form at arkansasonline.com/contact/voicesform.
And a little chocolate wouldn’t hurt. It’ll make me happy, anyway.
Is it wrong that I reaaaaalllly want to bite off that reindeer’s head?
Image found on Devonport Chocolates.
♦♦♦♦♦♦
Sending a message by mail probably won’t make it in time, unfortunately. Plus there’s that pesky problem of having to enter it into the system, which, with my carpal tunnel, is difficult at times. I’ve been trying an OCR program, but it so far has failed at recognizing handwriting, and even typed documents can give it fits. I spent an hour Tuesday just correcting all the misinterpretations of words from four or five scanned letters.
There was a bright spot, though, however unintentional. In addition to correcting the mistakes on the scan’s interpretations, I was having to enter in the names and cities on my tablet before emailing the file to be put in the system. On the last one I did, from Robert G. Hall, auto-correct decided to “fix” his last name.
Apparently the app developer is a Southerner. 😉
I had no idea “Hall” was supposed to be spelled “y’all.” Live and learn …
Image on my crappy tablet taken with my crappier phone enhanced on BeFunky.
Serenity is a fuzzy belly 
I support all your wishes and hope you/we see them come true. I would add the reminder: If you can’t laugh at yourself, someone else will have to do it for you.
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Very true … and usually with a loud, annoying laugh. 😀
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I love your column, and your blog post is the cherry on top of my morning. “For Lease Navidad” and Robert G. Y’all made me wheeze laugh. I shared your column on Facebook because you are logical without promoting a specific agenda (other than accuracy, facts, civility, cats, and chocolate). I will do my best to send a non-cranky letter before the deadline on Friday.
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😀
I was getting so frustrated yesterday, having to spend so much time fixing all the garble, but that “Ya’ll” made it all better. 😉
I’d be cuddling with a kitty now, but he’s a bit too stinky and won’t allow me to help him … silly boy.
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Sounds like Luke is a bit cantankerous this morning. I can relate. I’ve been doing last minute Christmas shopping since Saturday and after work. Your column today perked me up.
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I haven’t really done any Christmas shopping; We don’t do gifts in my family, and my friends and I are in the same financial boat, so we skip the gifts for the most part. I just don’t have the patience to deal with it … or a very stinky, cranky boy who doesn’t want his mom to clean his butt. 😉
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I realize that you have offered up a admirable commentary here this morning but I must put forth my most humble apologies that when I got to the “ice hole” cartoon I found that I was no longer able to continue… 😀
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😀
That one cracked me up no end … and nowadays any laugh is welcomed heartily 😉
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That “ice hole” cartoon was really COLD.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Oh, wait … was that out loud? 😉
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I feel the same way you do about Christmas music. While I appreciate many genres (pop, rock, country in small doses, classical, alternative), I am picky about holiday music in general. I also sang in choirs and have played the piano for Christmas programs. Leave the traditional carols alone, people. One exception – I heard Sarah McLachlan sing a fun arrangement of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman with Barenaked Ladies. It’s my favorite this season. Here’s a link.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=7&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjUtIrW8YXRAhXqg1QKHVKqDUcQtwIIPjAG&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DLrcDeuLs7OE&usg=AFQjCNHmrN5zoXU4COEUbWJlByPyjRzr4Q&bvm=bv.142059868,d.cGw
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I like this derangement of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” also. We have performed it at our church a few times. I am the bass player with the church band and learning to play the bass line for this derangement was an interesting challenge.
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I used to play keyboard in a church band; I miss that. “Derangement” made me laugh, and I’m not surprised you are a bass player. The bass players in bands I’ve accompanied tend to tell bad (as in so bad they’re good) jokes. I’d love to play this too.
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Derangement just seems very appropriate.
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My mother was a music teacher and her students would come to our house for their piano lessons. After the lessons were over, I would sit at the piano and try to imitate what I heard my mother and her students playing. As a result, my mother began teaching me how to play the piano when I was seven. I played tuba in both junior high and high school band for six years. I switched to playing bass guitar many years ago. I still enjoy playing music no matter which instrument I am playing or what type of music I am playing.
As for the church band, some of the younger members of my church wanted to start a band to play so-called Christian contemporary music and they needed a bass player since none of them wanted the job. I don’t play piano or keyboards with the church band because we already have a perfectly competent keyboard player (who is a good singer) and our senior pastor plays piano as well as singing with the band.
I had never heard of BareNaked Ladies version of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” until two or three years ago when two of the younger members of the church band told me about it and played it for me because they wanted to play it for a service. So I learned how to play the bass part for this version of this song.
As for my sense of humor and jokes, I am fond of clever word play such as puns and puns are supposed to be the lowest form of humor. I guess this is appropriate for a musician who is at the bottom of the music; is so lowdown; and has friends in low places.
It takes a Special type of person to volunteer to play bass.
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I’ve always loved that version; of course, I love most of what Sarah McLachlan sings anyway. Most of the current “Christmas” music is awful, and I’d much rather listen to the old stuff in most cases.
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It figures that I have just heard that version of
“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” and it came out in 2008. I only “discovered” Paul Simon’s “Call Me Al” a few years ago. I need to catch up on Sarah McLachlan’s music.
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I hope that you discovered “Call Me Al” with the video. Chevy Chase’s finest work! 😉
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I did! I heard “Call Me Al” on the radio first and then started Googling.
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Instead of fruitcakes at twenty paces, may I suggest creampuff pies with whipped topping? I should think that would hurt less than throwing a fruitcake at someone.
Does anyone have a cat who says “Meowy Chrismouse and Happy Mew Year”?
Whenever someone wishes me “Merry Christmas”, I have to fight the temptation to jokingly respond with Scrooge’s infamous line: “Bah Humbug!”.
Did you know that “White Christmas” may have been recorded and/or performed more often than any other Christmas song (at least two hundred times)?
Oh good. Another Bob Rivers fan. I have heard several of their “interesting” versions of Christmas songs on the Dr. Demento Show over the years,
Chocolate? Chocolate? Did someone say chocolate?
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Some people deserve to have fruitcake thrown at them. 😉
I think Luke just says the cat version of “Bah, humbug” … either that, or he’s cursing at me. “Happy Chanukah” is usually my go-to, though I’ve been known to wish rabid evangelicals a “Happy Solstice.”
“White Christmas” is one of my all-time favorites (both the song and the movie), so that doesn’t surprise me at all.
Bob Rivers always cracks me up, and deserves a much bigger following … “The Restroom Sign Said Gentlemen” is another favorite.
I’m always saying chocolate. Sometimes it actually shows up. 😉
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I’m sure Charlie the Cat swears at me. I need to remember “Happy Solstice, bucko” just in case. p.s. I have an old fruitcake in my pantry in case you need it.
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Of course, yesterday would have been the day to pull out the Solstice greeting … and dang it, I forgot!
The boy was very bad this morning and decided to wake me up at 2:30 … I’m sure he was laughing at me, thinking I must have just fallen asleep while working on the tablet so I needed to turn it off, and couldn’t find it. Surprise, surprise once I turned on the light to see that the tablet was plugged in, right where I put it when I retired. If I’d had a fruitcake this morning, it would have been hurled at him. 😉
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Luke and Charlie must confer telepathically. Charles mewed at the bedroom door at 2:00 something this morning. I ended up sleeping on the couch with him so he wouldn’t disturbed my husband. Maybe we can share my fruitcake.
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It wouldn’t surprise me at all. Rotten (but still adorable) critters!
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To the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire” (words by Linda von Braskat-Crowe) “Jawas roasting on an open fire, Sandman picking at his nose. Jedi carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up as 3PO’s. Everybody knows that matte lines and that old blue spill combine to make this film a fright. Tiny droids LED’s all aglow will find it hard to sleep tonight. They know that Obi-Wan is on his way. He’s loaded daddy’s old light saber on his sleigh. And every Stormtrooper is going to spy to learn if Jedi’s really know how to fly. And so I’m offering this simple phrase to Han and Luke and Chewie too. Though it’s been said many times many ways: May The Force Be With You.”
Linda von Braskat-Crowe is a singer-songwriter and musician who lives and performs in California. Shortly before Christmas in 1977, she was watching this new movie called “Star Wars” with her husband. While they were watching a certain scene in this movie, her husband whispered “Jawas roasting on an open fire” to her and her mind began working on the lyrics. “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire” isn’t one of her favorite Christmas songs. Linda had recently been asked to perform it for an audience and she had complained about this to her husband. I hope you enjoy this Star Wars version of this famous song.
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If I were Linda, I would have smacked hubby … after I snorted, of course. 😉
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And here I thought Christians were supposed to be known by our actions instead of a sign we wear or a tattoo on our arms?
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There are entirely too many who say they are but don’t epitomize the name (as well as many who don’t profess to be Christian but act like they are). As long as Christians continue to act un-Christian, we’re gonna have this problem. 😦
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