Readers of my newspaper column will notice I didn’t have a column today; I had been thinking about writing this, but knew it needed more thought, so I leapt at the chance to run an Earth Day column from a friend. Then I thought that perhaps the topic would probably be too much for a family newspaper, so it will just be here. While I might pick up some of the threads next week for my column, I feel the subject matter to be more appropriate to the blog. And because I’m mostly writing about my feelings on the matter, this will be mostly text, with only a few links. Trigger warning, as this is about sexual assault.

Many of us have been repulsed about reports of an online “rape academy” uncovered by CNN recently. Reaction has run the gamut online. On the more distressing side, it’s included men complaining that the news was two years old (that specific case was the 2024 mass rape and drugging trial of Dominique Pelicot and 50 other men in France; their crimes were facilitated by the Coco site, which was shut down, but other sites have since filled the void) to women excusing the men who frequent such sites. And of course, there are the “not all men” posts.

Sigh.

As numerous people have pointed out, yes, it is all men until it’s not. This is why women choose the bear.

Too many people (including some women, apparently) don’t realize how unsafe most women feel, and not just with strangers. It doesn’t help that in rape cases, the women are often scrutinized for what they were wearing, how they acted, and a thousand other things that have absolutely nothing to do with why they were assaulted: Men (in most cases) with no self-control or moral code holding them back.

Women arrange their keys in their hands when walking to their car so that they can stab an attacker if needed, carry automatic umbrellas so they can fend off unwanted advances, have keywords set up to for texts to alert friends that they need help when on a date, have to keep an eye on their drinks at all times, and so many other things that men never have to think about. And don’t get me started on the manosphere (I feel the need to bathe every time I accidently wander in to those corners of the Internet).

Women are looked at as weak and easy prey for some men, and as something to be possessed by others. Our looks, clothing, intelligence, skills and so much more are constantly under scrutiny to determine if we’re worthy of what we’ve earned. Even when we’re the most qualified candidate for a position, there are always those who will call it into question and insist that a man had to have been more qualified. (I once lost a job to a less-qualified man specifically because I was a woman, according to people at the TV station at the time; the station didn’t want the liability of sending a woman out on promotions jobs alone. To add insult to injury, the station used the promos I wrote as part of my application rather than the ones he wrote for his.)

Women face daily harassment and assault, often by people they believed they could trust.

The first time I was sexually assaulted, it was by a family member who showed me pornography and then touched and probed me inappropriately. I was 5. It happened more than once, but I told no one because I was ashamed and because I was sure no one would believe me, and I didn’t know who I could trust. (My emotional dysregulation comes partly from this, I’m sure, and it makes me seem overly emotional at times when it doesn’t make sense, so that makes it easy for people to discount me.) As it is, I’ve only told a few very close friends and a therapist who that family member was.

The second was by the father of a friend of that family member when I was 12. I was fat, and my clothing in no way was “come-hither.” I was groped in the front seat of the car, protesting the entire time until finally he was pulled out of the vehicle and we drove away to the county fair, which was where I was supposed to be in the first place.

Millions of girls and women have been less lucky that I was and have been subjected to far worse, and sometimes women have been directly involved in the abuse. Worse, too many abusers never face consequences for their actions, and not just for sexual assault.. While money and position can ease the way for many, just being male can be enough sometimes to overlook sins.

Women face higher rates of harassment and sexual abuse than men (and God forbid they be LGBTQ+), and are more likely to be seen as contributing to their own abuse and harassment because of what they’re wearing, if they drank, or just existed as someone who wasn’t male.

By the time I was in college, I was more willing to clap back to harassment, such as when a male student who would usually stare at my chest when I was talking got a taste of his own medicine because I started staring at his crotch when he’d do that. Seems being made an an object is uncomfortable.

I’m not as brave as that now, partially because life has beaten me back time and again. But I go on.

So here’s what I would like men (and the women who enable and protect men who abuse) to know, at least speaking for myself:

You have to earn trust, and once it’s gone, it’s gone. That family member is no longer a part of my life, and I will never trust him as I did before I was 5 years old. My family still doesn’t know what he did to me, and some defend his actions in other things (he’s a narcissist who rarely has had to face accountability throughout his life) because he’s family. That hurts, but I have to prioritize my own mental health. Because he’s still living, I won’t name him (my journalism training forbids that; I could name the friend’s father since he’s long dead, but that would identify the family member to those who know him, so no on that one too). I understand the importance of naming abusers publicly, but I just can’t in this instance as my family has been through more than enough in the past decade, and I’m just not ready.

Don’t instantly assume you’re a safe person. That’s something you have to prove, and taking up for abusers doesn’t help your case. Demonstrate caution and care consistently, and you have a chance to become a safe person.

Don’t counter with, “But women lie.” Everyone lies at some point. But when we say “Believe women,” we really mean people should take all cases of rape, violence, etc., seriously every time and not victimize survivors further by blaming them for what they’ve been through. The way women (and BIPOC and LGBTQ+) have been treated for so long in our judicial system when they file rape charges is precisely why so many cases go unreported, and there are far fewer false reports than some would have you believe. Then there are all the other systems that have protected predators for so long (church, civic organizations, etc.) that so many survivors (male and female) see their quest for justice as hopeless. Perpetuating a system that treats survivors as inherently untruthful and normalizes behaviors that victimizes an entire class of people has led us here, and makes it even harder for them to trust people in authority.

Be kind. Have some smartass comment to make about a woman’s appearance, or a jibe about her intelligence? Picture my Grandma Opal about to smack you upside your head; I won’t say your grandma or your mama, because she might have been who taught you to be a misogynistic ass. If you can’t be kind, be silent or be gone.

Women are not commodities or objects, but fellow humans with intelligence, skills and feelings. They have been discounted and abused for too long. Don’t be surprised when we start fighting back.