Every year around Thanksgiving, I steel myself for what I know is coming: panic over the “War on Christmas.”

Some people seem to get themselves tied up in knots over something that, in the United States, hasn’t been a thing since at least the late 17th century, when laws passed by Puritans banning the celebration of Christmas were repealed. But I guess everyone needs a hobby, and for these people, over-reaction and histrionics seem to be it.

If they can’t have a meltdown over it, it doesn’t exist in their minds. Those minds, by the way, still believe that Barack Obama made it illegal to say “Merry Christmas.” This is why there’s a dent in my forehead.

For every plain red Starbucks cup, there is someone bemoaning the existential crisis the lack of snowmen has caused them (because, I guess, Jesus built a lot of snowmen when he was growing up … and he was forever turning water into snowballs …). For every “happy holidays” greeting, there is someone traumatized by someone not recognizing the only holiday celebrated in Decem … oh, there are others? Ya learn something every day!

I tend to use “happy holidays” as my default greeting when I don’t know what holidays someone might celebrate. I was always under the impression that I was being polite and considerate of others’ beliefs, just as I was raised, but apparently that’s proof that I’m rabidly politically correct. Riiiiggghhht. (I’m not even kidding. Every time I bring up politeness and courtesy in my column, a commenter on the newspaper’s website essentially calls me a politically correct Nazi.)

Though most people I grew up with were Baptist, Church of Christ or Methodist, I also had friends who were Jehovah’s Witnesses or Jewish; neither celebrate Christmas. In grade school while the rest of us were practicing for the Christmas program or making decorations, my friend Valina would have to be absent or off in a corner doing schoolwork; she was my first real introduction to what those of other beliefs had to contend with.

When I went to college, my world of friends expanded to atheists, Muslims, Buddhists and others, so I’m well aware that not everyone is crazy for Christmas. If I don’t know you and I speak first, I’ll probably say, “happy holidays.” If I’m feeling extra-snarky, I may respond to “Merry Christmas” with “happy Chanukah” if the person seems to spit out their greeting (seriously, if you’re delivering a holiday greeting, you shouldn’t do it with anger). But I won’t for the rest of this year since it’s already over.

Sometimes, though, it’s hard to resist that little imp in my head. I call her Debra, and she can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

What’s got some up in arms this year? Rudolph. I wasn’t aware the red-nosed reindeer was a holy part of the Christmas canon; I just always saw it as an enjoyable cartoon fantasy.

But make jokes about it—such as @SarahB1863’s tweet, “Every year the elf throws the bird out of the sleigh without an umbrella, even though earlier the bird said it CAN’T FLY. Every. Damn. Year.”—that makes it into a collection of funny tweets about Rudolph posted in the (clearly labeled) comedy section of Huffington Post (evil bastion of liberalism that it is), and you have yourself a controversy.

It’s bad enough that people ignore the obvious sarcastic/sardonic/slapstick comedy overtones, but they also ignore other even clearer signs … like “comedy” or “satire” labels on stories. Folks, these are jokes. No one is trying to ban Rudolph, nor is he a religious icon. You can still have a holly-jolly Christmas (we miss you, Burl Ives!), especially if a sense of humor is in one of those packages under the tree.

Humor is what helps a lot of people make it through this season, what with extra work, dealing with extended family, shopping and countless other stressors. Heck, it helps a lot of us make it through days of news that isn’t fake but you wish it was because it’s so ridiculous.

Ridiculous like … oh, I dunno, pitching a fit over some radio stations banning “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” from Christmas playlists. Yes, it’s got a hook that’s hard to get out of your head (I always hear Dino), and yes, it’s more than a little creepy. But it has nothing to do with Christmas, so why are these people upset?

“Sleigh Ride” is also not about Christmas, nor is “Let It Snow.” Neither of those, though, are imbued with the amount of creepiness inherent in “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

Then there’s the guy in New Jersey fighting with Old Bridge Township officials over his Christmas light display that for several years has been drawing thousands, backing up traffic and creating unsafe conditions and increasing complaints. (Sounds a bit like the mid-1990s Jennings Osborne situation in Little Rock, may Mr. Osborne rest in peace. The court case didn’t end well for him, but Disney bought his lights in 1995 and displayed them at Disney World for 20 years, so happy ending.)

Tom Apruzzi thus far is refusing to accede to town demands to pay for police overtime and other fees necessary to provide security for the four-nights-a-week show … you know, like organizers would be asked to do for any other similar event. The chief of police and the mayor say they don’t want to pull the plug on the display, which Apruzzi has put up for 15 years, but that Apruzzi has to take responsibility for crowd control that at least until now has been paid for with taxpayer dollars. Apruzzi, according to the Bridgewater Courier News, believes they’re infringing on his freedom of speech and religion (because that’s how he celebrates Christmas, he says).

I was unaware that Catholicism has a creed related to Christmas lights. Would that be the Edison creed? The Sinterklaas creed? I’m spitballin’ here … I just hope it’s not the Krampus creed.

Lord, this all makes me happy Cranberry Canada Dry is back in stock at my store. I need fizzy happiness.

These latest dustups are all part of that “War on Christmas” … except that in this country you’re free to mark the holiday just about any way you want as long as it’s not illegal, isn’t paid for with taxpayer funds, and doesn’t pose a danger to the public.

You won’t be hauled off to jail for singing Christmas carols or putting a creche on your front lawn or for doing absolutely nothing because you don’t celebrate Christmas (because that freedom of religion thing means we don’t have to follow a specific religious doctrine). There’s also no need to celebrate in secret in the U.S., as opposed to countries like North Korea, Brunei and Somalia where Christians may face fines and imprisonment for their faith. You won’t even face arrest if your Christmas decorations give the rest of us nightmares … you’ll be the butt of jokes, as so many first ladies have been over the past 30 years, but that will only wound your pride.

War on Christmas here? Humbug!

But if there were one being waged, it wouldn’t be the “damned liberals” doing it by insisting on separation of church and state. It would be the people who forgot that Christmas is supposed to be dedicated to a humble man born in poor surroundings who gave and taught love. It would be those who decided their beliefs are superior to all others and because of that they should be given free rein to ignore the law and common decency.

And it would be all of us who did nothing to stop it.